whatever!

OOOOOOOKKKKKKKKK. so married/not married guy totally messaged me outta the blue today, and I was kinda rude to him. THEN, he invites me to a BBQ he is having when he gets back to town in January. I told him I didnt think that was a good idea, and he actually said "why"? HELLO?!?!?!?!?! what the freakin fuck?! he was bein all nice and "I miss you" and shit. yeah, well, too fucking bad asshole! ooh he's making me CUSS. how ridiculous is this entire situation already? and now he wants to further complicate it by asking me to come hang out with him? um, can we say hell no?!?! and then he tells me he's inviting my friend lexi and her husband. which, he sorta knows her husband, but it was like that was supposed to make me wanna come?!?! how bout STILL NO asshat.
boys arent that stupid right? he's not dumb enough to think that I am that dumb is he? seriously? And I was being hateful to him. I even point blank said "why the F are you talkin to me" and he's all "well why not, I thought we were friends". yeah, whatever.
he took me off his myspace list, and I sent him a yahoo message telling him (basically) that I didnt want to talk to him anymore. so out of the blue, now, he's messaging me? WTF eeeevvvveeerrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! why am I so annoyed by this? why does it piss me off so bad? i was being as mean as i could and he was all "yay, we're friends". PUKE. he even told me that he's missed talking to me. fuckstick... like I freakin care... so, whatever it is that he's up to... I didnt fall for it... so he can just GO TO HELL.

looking for my rainbow

I read a quote once, I dont remember whose it was, that said if you wanted to find the rainbow, you had to be willing to live through the rain. Well, its been raining here for a LONG time, and I wanna know where my fucking rainbow is!

Married dude update- I told him I didnt want to be his friend anymore. It kinda felt like since I found out the truth, he's avoided me, even though he said he wasn't. He never contacted me first, and I got tired of it all. So we dont talk anymore. /that

Husband update- He still wont sign a bloody thing. It's been 6 months, and if I wait another 6 I can go to court and file on the grounds that we've been seperated for a year, and have a final court date in 30 days as long as he doesnt contest anything. so keep your fingers crossed!

Guess thats about it for updates. I'm busy decorating for Christmas, and stuff.

loving me

You say that I dont need you, and that makes me too hard to love. Dont you know that wanting and needing are not the same thing? You say you cant get into my head. Dont you know it is my heart that matters? You say that every man needs to be needed. Cant you see that I need you to let me be me? You say that I never let you in. Cant you understand that I have left the window open and the rest is up to you? You say that I've built a wall so high it will never fall. Dont you know that you hold the key to the door? You say that you want to love me, but you dont know how. Dont you know that loving me, means loving all of me? Even the parts that are bruised. You say I'm too broken for you to fix. Cant you see that I dont expect you to fix me, I'm used to being broken. You want to know how to love me. I say that I cant answer that.

I could tell you the right words to say, the right things to do, I could even show you. And maybe you could do it. Maybe you would want to more than anything. But the walls that you hate so much... my secrets are the mortar that holds them together. I cant give that to you. It is something you will have to do all on your own. I cant give you the wrecking ball to tear down the one thing that holds me together. I've spent years adding layers, and I wont be able to show you how to climb them. I could tell you to make me laugh, and let me cry. I could tell you to be there when I need you, and when I dont. I could tell you that its not about grand gestures, and big words... its about the little things that most girls wouldnt even notice. But I'd rather you learn that on your own. I will never need you to change my oil, or fix a leaky pipe, or take my dog to the vet. I can do it by myself. But maybe, just maybe what I need is for you to love me. Cant that be enough? So if my heart is ever breaking, if my soul is ever shattered, if my world is closing in around me, and I reach out... all you have to do is be there. Be there to catch me, and I will fall in love.

A TRIP LONG AGO...

i had a very interesting life once. i was so happy go lucky, and the world was a sunshiney place. that changed. i'm not sure when or how, but all of my really happy thoughts, are memories of the past. now i just sort of exist in the ho-hum life i've drudged up for myself somehow. one bad decision after another has taken its toll. but, that is not what this entry is about. its supposed to be about happy memories. most of those center around one man, who will remain unnamed. anyway, i was talking to him this morning, and he reminded me of a trip that we took to st louis a few years back. this was the time that he came to visit me from UT. we went to go to his friends wedding. shockingly, i dont remember much about the trip itself. i remember it was a LONGGGGGGGG drive...and we had trouble with the rental car and had to wait forever once we got there to get a new one. anyway, after that we finally got where we were staying and decided to take a nap before we went out that night. funny, i dont remember what we did. maybe the wedding was actually that night. the wedding, i dont remember much about. except that it was different than any wedding i'd ever been to...maybe they were catholic? i remember how happy that girl was to see LOML. they had been good friends growing up. i remember her walking over to him in that white dress and hugging him. he was wearing his dress blues, and i remember being so jealous. not that some girl was huggin my man or anything...just the picture that he made, standing there in his dress blues, arms around a happy bride. not his bride, but still...it was a sight that made me think. he changed before the reception...into a suit. i remember that too. i dont remember much about the reception either...there was dancing, and a sit down dinner i think. and i remember during the couple's dances with their parents, some NUTS got up there on the dance floor and started dancing and a couple of the guys had to tell them (more than once) to sit down. i can remember meeting some people (i think one was his "adopted dad" and his girlfriend) and them telling me that they could tell i was "the one". and i remember hoping they were right, and hoping that he'd see it. he didnt. but, this is about happy memories, right? anyway, the next day in st louis we went to visit a couple of his high school friends. one girl's mother told me how she'd never seen him happier with a girl, and how she thought wedding bells were around the corner for us. even teased him asking when he was going to get some sense and ask me to marry him. meanwhile, my head is screaming, "tell him tell him!" of course, i'd never say that out loud because that would've been showing emotion and we dont do that. anyway... that night we went to pick up one of his stepbrothers and went to this little karaoke bar. i remember laughing and having a great time. and i remember sitting there next to him, my head resting slightly on his shoulder, arm through his, hand on his leg, thinking that i never wanted to move from that spot. i could hear him laughing, i could look up through my lashes and see his smile, and i'd never been so happy. and i never was again. the next night we left st louis and drove home. there had been a joke about us getting married while we were in st louis, and i can remember my heart breaking as we left, knowing that it would never happen. i think i knew then that it was over. i dont remember the rest of his trip, just taking him to the airport. i think we were running a little late, and i dont think i walked him to the gate. but i do remember pulling out of the airport parking lot, and not being able to stop crying. i remember telling myself to get over it, he was gone, and obviously it was not meant to be. and i remember the heart break. i think it hurt more that he'd left me a second time, than it ever did the first time. because there was a finality to it, even though we'd not broken up. i knew it was the beginning of the end. he told me much later that he'd had a ring with him that weekend, but the timing was never quite right. back then, i thought he was lying, since he told me that after i'd broken up with him, citing the relationship wasnt "going anywhere". maybe it was true, or maybe it was a way to make the hurt worse for me, to make him feel better. sometimes people do that, i know i have. that trip to st louis was the trip where i got pregnant. and only 3 people in the world know about that. i lost the baby at between 7 and 9 weeks the dr said. it didnt hurt much, more like a period cramp...and i didnt even know what was happening. didnt even know i was pregnant. and i dont remember ever telling him. only me, the dr, and my best friend ever knew it happened. i remember the emotional pain. not so much of losing a baby, if i'd known i was pregnant, i wouldnt have wanted another one anyway! not then. but it was a pain in knowing that i'd lost the last tie that i had to him. and that i'd never even known the tie existed. i broke up with him right after that. never telling him why. it was just too much to deal with. and once i heard that he was marrying this girl, just because he'd gotten her pregnant, it was like someone twisting the knife in an already open wound.

awesome movie

Dearest,


Do you know how in love with you I am? Did I trip? Did I stumble? Lose my balance, graze my knee…graze my heart?


I know I’m in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you…Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step…


You are all wrong for me and I know it but I no longer care for my thoughts unless they’re thoughts of you.


When I’m close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then I look back. When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night…I remain, Yours"

5

Picked this up somewhere or the other....I've seen several variations the last couple days so I just picked a few and went with it.... hey, I had to post something right? lol

5 things...

In my fridge.
1) Olives
2) Diet Coke
3) Orange Juice
4) PB&J
5) leftovers that prolly shouldnt be

In my closet.
1) Clothes...
2) Tons of Shoes
3) 2 wedding dresses
4) Boxes of pictures
5) Body sprays/lotions etc (its a big closet, ok)

In my car.
1) carseats
2) today's mail
3) cell phone charger
4) umbrella
5) chg of clothes for the lil one (just in case)

In my purse.
1) L'ancome lip moisturizer
2) various makeup
3) Cell Phone
4) Keys
5) gum/mints/candy (keeps kids quiet in emergencies...lol)

In my DVD collection
1) My Best Friends Wedding
2) How to lost a Guy in Ten Days
3) In Her Shoes
4) Just Like Heaven
5) Notting Hill

In My CD Collection
1) Carrie Underwood
2) Kenny Chesney
3) Sara McLachlan
4) Keith Urban
5) SheDaisy

prety fingernails

Sunday morning I was on the phone with my friend Tiffany. We were chatting away about who knows what, when my baby said she had to go potty. I could see into my bathroom from my bed where I was still laying, so I told her go ahead. I wasn't staring her down or anything, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that she was sitting on the potty. After a few minutes she finishes, gets down flushes etc. She doesnt immediately come out. When I call her, out she comes, with the biggest grin on her face saying "mommy, you like my pretty fingernails?" On her stubby little fingers...each one of them, were 5 tampon applicators! I tried not to freak out. I told Tiffany, "she has tampon applicators on her fingers" and Tiff freaks out with "OMG where are the tampons, she didnt put them in her did she?" I'm thinking, no freaking way. I did however go into the bathroom and say "where did you put the rest of them?" and she says, "in the trash". know what was in the trash? nothing. they were USED tampon applicators. not new ones. NOT NEW ONES. I swallowed down the vomit that was rising in my throat and told her to throw them away, which she did, while saying "whats wrong mommy, why mommy?" I told to just do it, and then go to her bathroom and wash her hands. she's like "ok mommy, why mommy?" I was SO grossed out. she throws them away, goes to her bathroom, washes her hands and comes back. "all better, mommy?" she asks.

man oh man. I stayed calm, so I was pretty impressed, but how freaking gross. I never in a million years thought she'd be digging in my bathroom toilet. and they were wrapped up too! And in my defense, I had just "finished" needing to use them, or they'd have never been in there... it grosses me out to let them sit in the trash, even though I wrap them in about a half roll of toilet paper. What I can't figure out is how she got 5 unwrapped in like 6.2 seconds... I mean, what made her even think to unwad tp from the trash can?

Who knows, I guess, but it was certainly the highlight of my weekend! lol

he's gone

Ok, so its been like 4 days and I'm already beyond ready for it to be over with. Part of me is super-pissed bc he's out partying and having a great time, living the single life already. not that I really care, but I guess I just want him to care. I want him to be sitting at his parent's house depressed and sad, wanting to work things out, willing to do whatever it takes to come home. I want him to be miserable. But he's not, he's loving it. Which just tells me more than anything that I'm doing the right thing. It's not even bothering him to be gone. I guess I'm mostly pissed because I want him to be something he'll never be. A decent person. he just doesn't have it in him. that much is obvious.

To top it all off, all the good shows have already had their season finale's so I'm home alone watching reruns. not that he and I were ever in the same room when he was here anyway. I just have a lot on my mind, and a lot to deal with, this is going to be hard, and he's out having the time of his life. its just frustrating.

and I'm even more pissed cause I dont know why I even care. Oh well at least I dont have to work tomorrow. Hooray for national holidays!

In case you couldnt tell....I didnt go to work today. I'm not sure my title is gramatically correct, so bite me! I was so very nauseous this morning that I thought I might die, so I called in sick. Then, I got to feeling better, and called to tell them I was coming, and they told me to keep my cooties at home. lol So...I sat at home and I painted my porch some more. I'm so very proud of myself. Have I bragged yet? NO? OK!Saturday, I rescreened my entire 200+ sqft porch by myself... I bought a roll of screen and my mom held it while I measured it to cut, and the rest of it I pretty much did alone. So, I rescreened the porch, put up lattice, put up siding, and then painted the inside. I painted it a pale yellow, and today I did all the white trim. I'm going to tear up the indoor/outdoor carpet and paint the concrete slab floor. Not sure what color would look good...open to suggestions.Anyway, enough bragging, although I am terribly proud of myself! :) So goodnight all.