loving me

You say that I dont need you, and that makes me too hard to love. Dont you know that wanting and needing are not the same thing? You say you cant get into my head. Dont you know it is my heart that matters? You say that every man needs to be needed. Cant you see that I need you to let me be me? You say that I never let you in. Cant you understand that I have left the window open and the rest is up to you? You say that I've built a wall so high it will never fall. Dont you know that you hold the key to the door? You say that you want to love me, but you dont know how. Dont you know that loving me, means loving all of me? Even the parts that are bruised. You say I'm too broken for you to fix. Cant you see that I dont expect you to fix me, I'm used to being broken. You want to know how to love me. I say that I cant answer that.

I could tell you the right words to say, the right things to do, I could even show you. And maybe you could do it. Maybe you would want to more than anything. But the walls that you hate so much... my secrets are the mortar that holds them together. I cant give that to you. It is something you will have to do all on your own. I cant give you the wrecking ball to tear down the one thing that holds me together. I've spent years adding layers, and I wont be able to show you how to climb them. I could tell you to make me laugh, and let me cry. I could tell you to be there when I need you, and when I dont. I could tell you that its not about grand gestures, and big words... its about the little things that most girls wouldnt even notice. But I'd rather you learn that on your own. I will never need you to change my oil, or fix a leaky pipe, or take my dog to the vet. I can do it by myself. But maybe, just maybe what I need is for you to love me. Cant that be enough? So if my heart is ever breaking, if my soul is ever shattered, if my world is closing in around me, and I reach out... all you have to do is be there. Be there to catch me, and I will fall in love.

A TRIP LONG AGO...

i had a very interesting life once. i was so happy go lucky, and the world was a sunshiney place. that changed. i'm not sure when or how, but all of my really happy thoughts, are memories of the past. now i just sort of exist in the ho-hum life i've drudged up for myself somehow. one bad decision after another has taken its toll. but, that is not what this entry is about. its supposed to be about happy memories. most of those center around one man, who will remain unnamed. anyway, i was talking to him this morning, and he reminded me of a trip that we took to st louis a few years back. this was the time that he came to visit me from UT. we went to go to his friends wedding. shockingly, i dont remember much about the trip itself. i remember it was a LONGGGGGGGG drive...and we had trouble with the rental car and had to wait forever once we got there to get a new one. anyway, after that we finally got where we were staying and decided to take a nap before we went out that night. funny, i dont remember what we did. maybe the wedding was actually that night. the wedding, i dont remember much about. except that it was different than any wedding i'd ever been to...maybe they were catholic? i remember how happy that girl was to see LOML. they had been good friends growing up. i remember her walking over to him in that white dress and hugging him. he was wearing his dress blues, and i remember being so jealous. not that some girl was huggin my man or anything...just the picture that he made, standing there in his dress blues, arms around a happy bride. not his bride, but still...it was a sight that made me think. he changed before the reception...into a suit. i remember that too. i dont remember much about the reception either...there was dancing, and a sit down dinner i think. and i remember during the couple's dances with their parents, some NUTS got up there on the dance floor and started dancing and a couple of the guys had to tell them (more than once) to sit down. i can remember meeting some people (i think one was his "adopted dad" and his girlfriend) and them telling me that they could tell i was "the one". and i remember hoping they were right, and hoping that he'd see it. he didnt. but, this is about happy memories, right? anyway, the next day in st louis we went to visit a couple of his high school friends. one girl's mother told me how she'd never seen him happier with a girl, and how she thought wedding bells were around the corner for us. even teased him asking when he was going to get some sense and ask me to marry him. meanwhile, my head is screaming, "tell him tell him!" of course, i'd never say that out loud because that would've been showing emotion and we dont do that. anyway... that night we went to pick up one of his stepbrothers and went to this little karaoke bar. i remember laughing and having a great time. and i remember sitting there next to him, my head resting slightly on his shoulder, arm through his, hand on his leg, thinking that i never wanted to move from that spot. i could hear him laughing, i could look up through my lashes and see his smile, and i'd never been so happy. and i never was again. the next night we left st louis and drove home. there had been a joke about us getting married while we were in st louis, and i can remember my heart breaking as we left, knowing that it would never happen. i think i knew then that it was over. i dont remember the rest of his trip, just taking him to the airport. i think we were running a little late, and i dont think i walked him to the gate. but i do remember pulling out of the airport parking lot, and not being able to stop crying. i remember telling myself to get over it, he was gone, and obviously it was not meant to be. and i remember the heart break. i think it hurt more that he'd left me a second time, than it ever did the first time. because there was a finality to it, even though we'd not broken up. i knew it was the beginning of the end. he told me much later that he'd had a ring with him that weekend, but the timing was never quite right. back then, i thought he was lying, since he told me that after i'd broken up with him, citing the relationship wasnt "going anywhere". maybe it was true, or maybe it was a way to make the hurt worse for me, to make him feel better. sometimes people do that, i know i have. that trip to st louis was the trip where i got pregnant. and only 3 people in the world know about that. i lost the baby at between 7 and 9 weeks the dr said. it didnt hurt much, more like a period cramp...and i didnt even know what was happening. didnt even know i was pregnant. and i dont remember ever telling him. only me, the dr, and my best friend ever knew it happened. i remember the emotional pain. not so much of losing a baby, if i'd known i was pregnant, i wouldnt have wanted another one anyway! not then. but it was a pain in knowing that i'd lost the last tie that i had to him. and that i'd never even known the tie existed. i broke up with him right after that. never telling him why. it was just too much to deal with. and once i heard that he was marrying this girl, just because he'd gotten her pregnant, it was like someone twisting the knife in an already open wound.