Monday, March 19, 2007

I need...

...to blog. I dont really have anything to say. My life is so confusing, my mind so befuddled. Sometimes I think maybe I should open the line of communication with the husband. But mostly I think that would be a mistake. He never loved me, and I DO know that. And I dont love him. But it was almost easier having him. Easier than being alone. But less pleasant. I dont enjoy being alone, but I know that I am not emotionally available. My self-image is in the toilet, no matter how many compliments I get! Its eerily bizarre. I'm sad, I'm bored, I'm confused, and I'm very discontented. I want to go somewhere, do something, get the hell outta here! Take the kids and move to Italy. get some crappy job, live in a cramped apartment, and ride around on one of those moped things they have while I leave the kids with the 80-year-old lady downstairs who makes them homemade ravioli and meat sauce, and talks about how her kids never visit. I need to GO... I need to get out of here. Leave everything I know, everyone I know, everything familiar, and start over somewhere else. somewhere far far away. I need to be gone. This is normally the point in my life where I dump whatever guy I'm with... but since I dont have a guy there is no way to satisfy the appetite of the beast known as the "need for change". what is wrong with me? why cant i just be happy and content with the way things are? I have kids. I need to be settled, and secure, and I am...but I'm not happy with it. I'm miserable this way. This is not who I am. I'm not Betty Crocker, or Susie Homemaker. I love them, I absolutely adore them, but I'm drowning in a sea of suburban hell! someone, anyone, please... throw me a life preserver! I cant breathe. this life, this job, this house, and that freakin minivan are suffocating me. I feel like a stepford wife! something's missing... I dont know what it is, where it is, or how to find it, but I swear I'm going insane. Who'd have ever thought I'd be the girl with the ex-husband, the 2 kids, the cocker spaniel, and the housecats. The cute little house (minus a white picket fence), the perfect little job, and close friends to have "movie and margarita" nights with. Is this seriously my life? Is this all I was meant to do? Is this really all there is? I feel guilty even thinking it you know... because I adore those children, and I'd trade them for nothing. Not even my own happiness... I guess maybe I just want it all.

1 comment:

missy said...

I think you feel what we all feel, you just say it better than me. lol