so...

there's this boy. and he makes me smile. and i know its dumb, and a little pathetic, and SO not me. but I'm smiling... and dare I say, happy?! I know I'm not the kind of girl to let it last. I know I'll figure out a way, through his flaws or my own, to get out eventually. thats what i do. its who i am. but... i'm kinda hoping to break that cycle. i'm kinda hoping that recognizing it, means stopping it. keep your fingers crossed. all the gory details later! :)

can we say boring?

wow, I wish I had something interesting to say, I just... well... dont! I've been working, hanging with the kids, fighting with family, and neglecting friends. life as usual around here. I have finally gone from saying "I have no life" to saying "this IS my life". And I'm finding a way to accept that. To stop looking for what's not there, and never will be. It's not easy, and it's definitely not fun, but its about as real as it gets.

See, I thought sitting at home with my kids, watching pay per view and popping pop corn was "no life". That having a life meant going out with my friends, being the life of the party, chasing tequila shooters with Miller Lite, and giving out wrong phone numbers to creepy guys. After all, the only way to meet someone was to be out in all that, right? well... I'm beginning to think that maybe, thats not what I need. And I'm not sure it was ever what I wanted. It's just what was expected of me. I was "that girl". to my friends, my family, everyone. I was the girl they called when they wanted to go out and have a blast... I was the one my mom (or grandma) always expected to call from the drunk tank with a "can you come pick me up"... even though that NEVER happened. lol I wasn't happy home alone with the computer and the tv. I wasn't happy unless I was right in the thick of it, drinking too much, singing too loud, and smiling too big. But I'm 29 years old, and single or not... I'm just too old for all that silliness.

So, its time to find a way to settle down. To learn to play the hand I was dealt, and stop drawing new cards, or hoping for that Ace in the hole. I'm a big girl, and its time I started acting that way!

If I was

If I was an hour of the day... it would be midnite
If I was a planet... I would be Venus
If I was a direction... I would be the curve to the left
If I was a piece of furniture... I would be a rocking chair
If I was a liquid... I would be a martini
If I was a sin... I would be wrath
If I was a rock... I would be granite (?)
If I was a tree... I would be a magnolia
If I was a fruit... I would be a starfruit
If I was a flower... I would be a tulip
If I was a musical instrument... I would be a clarinet
If I was an element... I would be oxygen
If I was color... I would be red
If I was an animal... I would be a koala
If I was a sound... I would be squealing tires as they leave forever
If I was music... I would be "I'm Gone" by Cyndi Thompson
If I was a music style... I would be new country
If I was a feeling... I would be 'restless'
If I was a book... I would be Great Expectations
If I was a food... I would be pasta
If I was a place... I would be Italy
If I was a flavor... I would be strawberry
If I was a scent... I would be Ver Wang "princess"
If I was a word... I would be 'enigmatic'
If I was a verb... I would be 'procrastinate'
If I was an object... I would be a horse saddle
If I was a part of the body... I would be really cute feet
If I was a facial expression... I would be a raised eyebrow
If I was a cartoon character... I would be Kim Possible, baby!!
If I was a movie... I would be "In Her Shoes"
If i was a form.. I would be ... ok I dont get it. does it mean form like shape, or form like paper? lol
If I was a number... I would be 2
If I was a season... I would be autumn
If I was a sentence... I would be "Get Bent"

anonymous

Because I am your friend,
I hurt when you hurt.

Because I care about you,
I cry when you cry.

Because I cherish your heart as much as my own,
Each time it breaks, I ache with you.

Because I will always be here for you,
You will fight no battle alone.

Because I have felt your words heal my wounds
I will let no wound of yours be not spoken to.

Because you mean that much to me. Because I will never leave your side. Because no one could ever take your place. Because you are much more special than you know. Because I owe you my heart. Because I love you. I am here. Just... Because.


*this is copyrighted by an anonymous writer*

daycare woes

I had D-R-A-M-A last night! Picked the baby up from daycare and she proceeds to tell me that Dana (cousin w/the convict hubby) spanked her at naptime bc she wasn’t asleep. I HIT the roof! First of all, DANA doesn’t have permission to put her hand on my child at any time, in any capacity. Not even at a family gathering would I say it was OK for her to hit my child. I don’t like her, I think she's trash, and I am very funny about who interacts with my children, especially on a punishment level. Not to mention the fact that in a daycare setting, its illegal. They do have a corporal punishment policy (which I signed NO to) but it clearly states that the director ONLY will pop the child on the hand. And that is only if you've given permission, and I didn’t.

I asked her what happened, and she said it was naptime and she wasn’t asleep so Dana spanked her. I asked her "did she pop you on the hand" and she said no, mommy she spanked my butt. So I asked her "with what, a belt?" and she said no her hand. I think if she was making this up, she would have made it as BIG of a story as possible. When preschoolers make up things, they go big! I really feel if she was making it up for attention/sympathy she'd have made it this big beating with a belt and blood and bruises etc etc etc. lol She's been known to exaggerate something that actually happened, making the punishment seem worse than it was, and that has only been in the heat of the moment, but NEVER has she fabricated a complete lie.

Anyway, my first reaction was BAD. I called everyone in my family, but no one would tell me where she lived after they found out why I wanted to know. I was SOOOOO going to her house to even up the score! After I calmed down a bit, I tried to call DSS but they close at 5pm and their recording doesn’t give you the # for the 24hr hotline. I tried to call the owner at home, got her answering machine, left a message. She never called me back. THAT ticks me off. I'm still considering calling DSS but I don’t want to make any moves that will cause my daughter to be even MORE mistreated, until I can get her out of there this summer. Anyway...

This morning, I wrote a letter specifically stating that NO one was to administer corporal punishment of any kind to my daughter, including people who may be related to me. Of course, after the director read the note, she vehemently denied anything of the sort happened. I calmly told her it was not an accusation towards her OR the other director, but that I didn’t think my 3-year-old daughter had the forethought or deviance to fabricate something of that sort, especially not as specific as she was about the entire incident. She then says to me "well some kids do". OMG did that ever hit me the wrong way. I couldn’t believe she was seriously calling my daughter a flipping liar! She's 3 for goodness sake, her brain is just not developed enough to think something like that through. Anyway, I left it at that, I reitterated that no one was to put their hands on my daughter, especially that lunatic. She said ok, and that was pretty much the end of that. She looked a little mad (she's friends with Dana) but I really didn’t care. It's far more important to me that my daughter be treated appropriately than it is that the staff think I'm their best friend.

the drama unfolds

Ok, here is what happened over the weekend, I'm going to try to make it short….

Friday nite my bday was great, had fun, got home at 5am, it was a trip. We'll skip that story for now.

Saturday nite when I got to my bday party (an hour late) the singer says into the mic "bout time you get to your own party". We all busted out laughing, I curtsied, it was hilarious. Then, D, (L's mom) walks up to me and says "I know your ex husband… very well". And I'm like "I know you do, he used to come in here all the time". And she's like "no, not M, the other one". And I'm all "WHAT? C?" and she says yes. Well, come to find out they were on pool league and stuff together, but she didn’t know until that night, that I was the "evil bitch" he used to be married to. hahaha Anyway, she'd brought several of her friends out who ALSO are friends with him. Anyway, we get to talkin, they ask me some questions etc and I set the record straight, and we are all having a good time. Turns out he was in town, and supposed to be coming out there w/them until one of their friends (who I know well) says "don’t invite him, I'll tell you later". That is how they found out I was his ex wife. So anyway… one of his friends takes a pic of me and her on her camera phone and texts it to him. So he writes back "who is that" and she writes back "me and your ex" and he writes back, "dang she's hot". So they were texting back and forth, she asked me if I minded if he came out there and I said no. But he said he wasn’t cause he was scared I was gonna have him beat up and thrown in jail. LOL I said no I wouldn’t, and I texted him and told him that. So then he started texting me, wanting someone to come get him etc. And he ended up texting me ALL nite. Even long after I'd gone to bed, he was still texting, I got them the next morning. So… whatever, not a big deal, I didn’t really mind. I'm not gonna be his best bud or anything (lol) but we have mutual friends, I'm over what he did to me, so its all good. Well, the next day he texts me and says "who is this". So I wrote back "wrong number". And he wrote back "great peace out" and I wrote back "bye C". He knew who it was, and that was just TOO stupid for me! lol

So then Monday we go out to eat. D tells me that he was in the bar Sunday raising hell with them about giving me his number and how he hates me etc. WHAT?!?!?! He said I kept texting him etc. Well, he showed them the texts from me, but he didn’t mention it was bc he texted me first. So I pulled out my phone and showed D how many I had from him (way more than he had from me btw) and she called Ch right then (the one who'd sent him the pic etc, and also the one he was fussing at) and was like "day has like 15 texts from him, I am sitting here looking at them" and Ch was like "oh I knew he was lying" etc. So… that was pretty much the end of that drama. Except D and Ch ended up telling me that him and J got married right before she left for Korea. (stupid idiots) [J was the one he cheated on me with when they were both in korea, and she was also married and cheating on her husband with him...that husband is now a friend of mine... how ironic right?]

THEN………… last nite Desi calls me. Guess who now works for my friend T? Cs' first wife K. How do we know this? Kwas talking about me to T. How freaking pathetic is that? She and C had been divorced like 7 years… He and I have been divorced for 4 years, and we were seperated for 2 before that. Why can she not get over it? Does she have nothing else to talk about?????? Then, on top of all of that, T has K over at her house last night watching movies, and no one can figure out why I am mad about that. G (J's ex husband) tells me I have no right to be mad, and that she can talk to whomever she pleases. Is there no loyalty left in this world? Is my friendship worth no more than that to her? It just hurts my feelings, ya know?

WHY are all of these people back in my life? I don’t want them around, I don’t want anything to do with them, I thought those were bridges I'd permanently burned and now suddenly they are everywhere I turn! This is MY home, MY town, MY friends!! They aren't even FROM here, don’t they have a home they can go to? I lost my 2 best friends bc of K, and we wont even begin to talk about what I lost to C and now suddenly they are everywhere, turning up like a bad penny. I swear, I don’t know if I can take it… I might just move! lol

stupid me

It's almost midnite and I just finished torturing myself by going to chuck's memory page and reading the posts. maybe I just needed to cry...

I need...

...to blog. I dont really have anything to say. My life is so confusing, my mind so befuddled. Sometimes I think maybe I should open the line of communication with the husband. But mostly I think that would be a mistake. He never loved me, and I DO know that. And I dont love him. But it was almost easier having him. Easier than being alone. But less pleasant. I dont enjoy being alone, but I know that I am not emotionally available. My self-image is in the toilet, no matter how many compliments I get! Its eerily bizarre. I'm sad, I'm bored, I'm confused, and I'm very discontented. I want to go somewhere, do something, get the hell outta here! Take the kids and move to Italy. get some crappy job, live in a cramped apartment, and ride around on one of those moped things they have while I leave the kids with the 80-year-old lady downstairs who makes them homemade ravioli and meat sauce, and talks about how her kids never visit. I need to GO... I need to get out of here. Leave everything I know, everyone I know, everything familiar, and start over somewhere else. somewhere far far away. I need to be gone. This is normally the point in my life where I dump whatever guy I'm with... but since I dont have a guy there is no way to satisfy the appetite of the beast known as the "need for change". what is wrong with me? why cant i just be happy and content with the way things are? I have kids. I need to be settled, and secure, and I am...but I'm not happy with it. I'm miserable this way. This is not who I am. I'm not Betty Crocker, or Susie Homemaker. I love them, I absolutely adore them, but I'm drowning in a sea of suburban hell! someone, anyone, please... throw me a life preserver! I cant breathe. this life, this job, this house, and that freakin minivan are suffocating me. I feel like a stepford wife! something's missing... I dont know what it is, where it is, or how to find it, but I swear I'm going insane. Who'd have ever thought I'd be the girl with the ex-husband, the 2 kids, the cocker spaniel, and the housecats. The cute little house (minus a white picket fence), the perfect little job, and close friends to have "movie and margarita" nights with. Is this seriously my life? Is this all I was meant to do? Is this really all there is? I feel guilty even thinking it you know... because I adore those children, and I'd trade them for nothing. Not even my own happiness... I guess maybe I just want it all.